Today is father's day and all and seeing all the updates on twitter and facebook got me thinking about the term "father" and how much discussion there is to be had about the topic.
What makes a "father?" Biology? Responsibility? Stability? Morality?
What responsibilities do you think a father should have?
What rights does a biological father have? A father-figure?
Do we need fathers?
What can a father do that a mother can't?
According to what the responsibilities of a father is, does that person have to be a male?
Are there obligations that are race specific?
I'm interested in hearing what other people think about the subject and getting a dialogue going.
Some of my answers/thoughts about it.
To start, I think that strong father figures aren't completely necessary in the raising of children and that the emphasis of the father figures necessity can be attributed to socialization into patriarchy. My thoughts have also probably developed because of my closeness with my mother and not my father. I think that sometimes this emphasis on father figures adds to the detriment some children face when they don't have a father. Everyone is shoving "you need a father to be happy" in their face, when they could probably be just as happy without one.
I'm not sure what makes a father. Technically biology makes a father. but when it comes to parenting, I don't think I can say what specific responsibilities or obligations there are in being a "father." I suppose any man raising a child can be considered a father, but "raising a child" can be very vague and varies from family to family. To some this may mean financial stability, to others emotional comfort. I think doing the best you can do would constitute being a father. Just trying at least.
I don't think there's anything a father can do that a mother can't do, thus the reason I don't see the necessity. In my mind, what separates a father from a mother is are reproductive organs. I think the role of "parent" is more significant than the gendered roles of "father" and "mother" that help reinforce gender stereotypes that many people assume are natural. Father = masculine, strong, breadwinner. Mother = feminine, homemaker, mild. bleh. I think these definitions are changing, but I don't think we need to define parenting by sex, especially with the rise of unconventional families and changing definitions of gender roles in general.
I also think that many people's definitions of masculinity and fatherhood will be very closely tied.
I think if you break down the preconceived notions of gender, family and parenting, the specific significance of "father" is lessened. To me at least. I think the idea of father/mother is nice, but not applicable to everyone.
I applaud the males out there doing the most they can to raise their children and to you, Happy male parent day. :)
so I've said my part. Please post your thoughts/comments about it. I'd love to read what you think.
Posts
melaney here:
ReplyDeletehey larry, love the article.
but i can always remember what my friend tells me about her take on fathers: "there's a difference between a father and a daddy. a father [to me] is just the man that helped bring you into the world [sperm donor]. a daddy is the person that makes sure you remain a part of the world, who is always there, picks you up when you fall, tells you bedtime stories, hold's your hand, etc. many people will never have the chance to call a man daddy."
Great article Larry!!
ReplyDeleteI think there is a lot of societal emphasis put on the position of the Father. So much that I think we put a lot of unrealistic expectations on these men. I think it would be so hard to be a father.
Due to societal expectations and pressures and the patriarchal society we live in, we expect damn near perfection from fathers. Whether they were in the child's life or not, whether they were supportive or not, etc.
What about fathers who aren't perfect? The fathers that weren't there the whole time? Are they any less of a father?
My father struggled with alcoholism, impulsive behavior and drugs pretty much throughout my entire childhood. After he got saved again when I was 10, he started sending for me and my brother during the summers. We don't talk everyday and sometimes not every week. He never paid child support and he's a prison outreach minister so he doesn't make that much money. In short, my father's love and support is more abstract than concrete.
However, my father saved my life. When I was 21 I was depressed, had just got out of an abusive relationship, drinking way too much to deal with everything and I even started to feel like I wanted to die. My mother didn't know how to help me so she called my dad. He drove from Colorado to Florida to pick me up and take me back with him for the summer.
My father was very patient with me and never judged me. He told me he knew what I was going through and he said he wasn't perfect, but God is and He loves me and can help me.
Those 3 months made a difference in my life and my quality of life. My father may not have been there consistently but he was there when it mattered most. And to me he is a father. =)
I think it's important to remember the mortality of fathers. They are human, have their defects and flaws, but as long as they try, I think that's what matters most. Maybe they'd be more apt to try harder if they thought society wouldn't want to put them on the Maury show everytime they slipped up lol.
-- Mizz Dezi BABE-EH! <3
Great article! I have to say though, I agree with Melaney on the difference between a father and a daddy! I think daddies are INCREDIBLY important! I'll only speak for women here, but having a good daddy teaches a little girl what her standards should be for herself and for other men in her life. My father wasn't around all the time because he was in the military, but there was never a doubt in my mind that he would be there to protect me, love me, hold me, pick me up when I was falling, etc. He has shown me countless times what a real man is and what it means to be a real woman who respects herself and doesn't take crap from boys who just think they're men.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many studies in psychology that deal with what's called "father hunger," resulting from no father or a bad father (although I have seen some very strong women pull through without a daddy and be just fine). But women with "father hunger" tend to have serious issues with their self image, self respect, and ability to be in healthy relationships. Because they've never had a model for a real man and what it means to be protected and loved for who they are, they compensate with an eating disorder, an abusive relationship, sex, etc. Anything to fill this "daddy-shaped hole" that's developed in their hearts and psyhes. And I think every woman can attest to knowing what it feels like to be broken and used, wanting something more but not trusting a man to be there. Even those with real daddies.
I think it's incredibly important to have a daddy; however, I think it's just as important that men who are not daddies step up and act like real men, protecting the women around them as they would protect their sisters or their daughters. Women have always been strong, but women have also always been vulnerable, self-giving, and loving. Daddies and real men allow these traits in a woman to grow and flourish into strengths. Non-daddies and bad men use and abuse these traits until they are weaknesses and a woman is left broken.
Men and women are not perfect. Daddies will make mistakes, but daddies still have a grave responsibility towards their daughters. And men have a responsibility towards the women in their lives, especially those women who don't have daddies.
-Kaylee
I like that take on it Desi. Everyone is human
ReplyDeleteAnd I also think what kaylee + Mel said about Daddies. Do you think these roles of "daddy" can be filled by someone that isn't specifically a daddy? Say, a mother can be able to do the same things a dad can? Or even an uncle, close family friend?
I can see the necessity in providing the things you mentioned, but is it something that only a man can provide?
I think other people can serve in Daddy roles. My uncle (RIP) did and it was devastating when I lost him a year and a half ago.
ReplyDeleteMy mom did a great job raising us until my step father came along. I always tell my stepdad to yell at me because he feels that since he's not my biological father that he can't say anything, LOL. But he's a great man.
However, I think because everyone places so much emphasis on the biological father being a part of the child's life and that they are the sole reason for "father hunger", it's still not the same in a person's mind as having their biological father there. Think of all the little kids at the park talking about their daddies and stuff... LOL that must be hard for a little kid to listen to who can't chip in!! =(
-Mizz Dezi BABE-EH
I definitely think another male figure in a little girl's life can serve as a "daddy" figure, but I don't think a mother can ever fulfill completely what a man can. Because fundamentally what it comes down to is, how do I relate to men in my life? Only a man can model that kind of relationship. But I'm definitely not saying at all that a single mother isn't "enough" because there are many amazing single mothers who are doing the best they can and raising great kids. But I do think it is easier for a little girl to form healthy relationships and a healthy self-image when she has a daddy figure in her life.
ReplyDeleteThere is so much to say and feel about this topic.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I want the term "father" to be more than a title. I mean, I want it to MEAN something within my family structure. Macho and Ego aside, I would truly love to be a father to my kid(s). I want to love them so much and be there for them no matter what... protect them and help/watch them grow into lovely people.
That said, one could easily attribute the role I'd like to fulfill in my child's life to parenting. I'll be the first to admit that a father, in the end, is essentially a male parent. This characterization shouldn't lessen a father's role in a child's development. My dad is great, and even more so, because he's been a great parent.
You made a very real point here: "I think that sometimes this emphasis on father figures adds to the detriment some children face when they don't have a father. Everyone is shoving "you need a father to be happy" in their face, when they could probably be just as happy without one."
This is definitely a tricky subject. There is so much to take into account. Undoubtedly, gender will play a role in the family dynamic for as long as making babies involve men and women.
It's hard to escape the social specifications/expectations assigned to each gender. It's quite understandable. With our changing societies, however, the family dynamic is rapidly changing too--slowly shifting within reach of abstraction.
When I think of a father, I tend to put more emphasis on the 'responsibility' and 'accountability' angle. If you can be in your child's life-- you should (in my opinion). I could only hope that guys would be more involved in the life they literally helped create.
Different men can definitely fulfill the role of a father figure. And a mother can definitely work her hardest to parent her child alone. I'm not sure a father can be replaced though.
Can you ever miss something you didn't know existed? The thing is that we know-- from the time we go to church, watch a Cosby Show rerun, go to school...etc. We know that there are fathers out there.
I know every situation is different and I respect single parents soo much. I think that even if a father doesn't follow his traditional role as that guy that teaches his son how to fight or talks with his daughter about dating men... be there for your kids if you can!
-D.Stevens
"Undoubtedly, gender will play a role in the family dynamic for as long as making babies involve men and women."
ReplyDeleteAnd with the growing number of Male-male, female-female and single parents I think this dynamic is going to change. I mean there are already children's books like "One dad, two dads, brown dad, blue dad" and "Asha's Mums" and even pop-culture films like Baby Mama. How is the father-mother archetype fit into the changing family structure?
I really like your input Darrell. I agree - there are fathers out there doing a damn good job and they should be commended. But I also like that you acknowledged a father doesn't have to fill traditional roles to be one